Pastoral Humor.

Some humor, jokes and stories about pastors – that, as a pastor, make me laugh and give me perspective. I think Jesus must laugh at a lot of the things that pastors do too.

Going to Heaven

The preacher said to his congregation, “I want everyone who wants to go to heaven to stand up.”  Everyone stood up, except for one old man in the front.  So he said, “I said, I want everyone who wants to go to heaven to stand up!”  The old man in the front row remained seated.  Finally the preacher said, “Brother Williams, I said everyone who wants to go to heaven, stand up!”  And the old man said, “Oh, I’m sorry.  I thought you were getting a group together to go now.”

Late to a Funeral

The new pastor had just arrived in town and was only into his third week of serving a church when he received a call from the funeral director asking him if he could hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery. Because the deceased had no friends or family that the funeral director knew of, it would just be the pastor and the funeral director.  Because of another funeral scheduled for the same day, the funeral director told the pastor they would have to meet at the graveside. He shared driving directions.

The pastor got started to the cemetery early enough, which was a ways out of town. The pastor got lost along the way. He stopped for directions, got straightened out, and arrived at the burial site. He was thirty minutes late. Obviously, this was in the days before cell phones. Because he was late he noticed that the funeral director and the hearse were already gone. He saw the grave diggers sitting under a tree eating lunch. He spotted the newly dug grave and made his way over. He saw the vault which was in place. He opened the book of worship and began offering the prayers and scripture readings. He briefly preached about the love of God.  After about fifteen minutes he finished. With a final silent prayer, he turned and made his way back to the car, waving to the workers still under the tree. They waved back. Then he heard one of them say, “I’ve been digging septic tanks for thirty years. That’s the first time I ever saw one prayed and preached for.”

Two Good Reasons

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, “I’m not going.”

“Why not?” she asked.

“I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said.

“One, they don’t like me, and two, I don’t like them.”

His mother replied, “I’ll give you two good reasons why you should go to church. One, you’re 54 years old, and two, you’re the pastor!”

Water into Wine

A Covenant pastor is driving back from Iowa and gets stopped for speeding in Minnesota.

The officer smells alcohol on the pastor’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

“Sir, have you been drinking?” asks the officer.

“Just water,” replies the pastor.

Having none of this, the officer slowly and deliberately asks, “Then why do I smell wine?”

Without so much as a blink of an eye, the pastor looks down at the bottle and exclaims, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”